Well, this week’s H.O.R. review is all about answering machine recordings, and the strange messages some people leave. What we have here folks is pure, raw, uncensored, American comedy and despair at its finest. This record is packed full of real answering machine messages of people from all walks of life, that show just how brilliant someone was to put this LP together. From a chick strung out on drugs, to a Hilljack trying to record his answering machine message while his family keeps interrupting, it’s all here folks!
Now, who put this record out, we have no idea, as it’s just marked with a P.O. box address. All we know is, you just can’t stop listening to this thing! It’s fascinating in a kind of ”Jerry Springer’s on…..I know I should change the channel..but I just can’t” sort of way. Whoever put this LP out did a great job. From the throwback cover image of a woman on the phone who looks like shes calling to order a pizza from a double wide somewhere in Alamaba, to the old school answering machine image on the back. This baby just screams ”Buy Me!”, and holy shit are we glad we did! I Can’t really recall where or when we acquired this LP, but for some reason we put off listening to it until a few weeks back. But when we did, we knew we had an instant classic on our hands!
(I used to have a machine like that!)
This baby is chock full of surprises! Once we slid out the LP of the century, we noticed the quality image theme is not only limited to the outer packaging, take a peep at side A of this record!
Look at that! Little answering machine cassettes all lined up just for you! The more I look at this thing, I realize it’s a really good concept. Dressing up the record all old school like, and having all these answering machine messages on it. The one thing I don’t understand is how the hell did the people who put this out, get the actual messages? I mean, did they advertise “Send amusing answering machine tapes here…”, or maybe they worked at a company way back in the day that did service repair to the machines, and had a shitload of tapes piled up that people left there? Beats me, but this baby’s a goldmine! Now, enough chitter chatter, lets get on to side A shall we?
The best way to do this is to give you the best messages on side A, and then over to side B. See, in between the good ones, there are alot of fillers that just are not funny or anything else, so instead of just giving you the whole side to listen to, this way seems to be the best. Keep in mind some may be very short (seconds), and some may be longer.
So, without further ado, we present………………………………………
Hilarity and Despair (American answering machine tapes Vol.1)
Side A
Bobby Dale
I can just picture the scene when this dude tries to record his message. A shit load of kids running around his trailer, knocking over his 2 liter of “Dr. Pop” filled with Skoal spit, getting him all pissed off causing him to sweat and stain up his nice wife beater, and break his “Coolness”. After finally recording a good one, he decides to celebrate, and loads up the kids and wife into his 86′ IROC-Z and heads to Perkins for their “Anytime” french toast. Or not….have a listen and you decide.
Randall
This Randall guy is is getting yelled at all over the place… from his girlfriend of 4 long years, and even his other girlfriend of god knows how long. Man, an honest guy just can’t catch a break. On a side note, someone should help this guy out and tell him not to date crazy women….and then cheat on them…with….crazy women.
Pickin’ beans
I always wanted to live next to someone who sounded like this..the conversations would be soo interesting….
More higher than a kite
Holy Shit is all I can say. This chick is fucked up with a capital “God damn!”. It’s hard to even make out what the hell she is talking about, but if you listen real close in the background you can hear a band getting down complete with a mouth harp, whisky jugs and a 2 string banjo! I bet somewhere close by, a man with webbed fingers is trying to duck tape the confederate flag on the back of his ford pickup truck window . Yee fucking Haw!
My little song
Pretty funny with a real surprise ending… like the Sixth Sense!
Side B
(Side B, look at that, even more tapes!)
Tickle me Elmo
Hard to tell if this is a woman or a man, but I’m going to say a man. Sounds like he’s pissed because his mother won’t answer the phone and lend him the $7.00 he needs to complete his Elmo collection (but he says it’s for his mom, come on we know the truth here). He hangs up real quick like after trying to make her feel bad about not answering. I’m sure his mom was really home, but she just wants him to get out of her life, move out of the basement, and take the Meth lab with him.
Snook
This has to be the most annoying lady I have ever heard in my life. No words to describe it really…just listen..
Terry
Terry has got some pissed of, and weird parents, who like to call him every few seconds and yell into the phone for him to pick up. I mean, if I was Terry, I wouldn’t pick up either, just listen to these freaks…
Country ass secretary
I swear this dude’s voice is really that low! I didn’t mess with the pitch on my turntable, its real…
Eric
I think we all know someone like this, the “friend” who no one really likes, that calls, and calls, and calls, and never gets the hint. I used to know a guy just like that (we’ll call him Fred), and it took 2 years of not answering for him to finally quit calling and leaving messages. Funny thing is, when he would call we would always have friends over, and at the time, I had caller ID. As soon as we knew it was him everyone would go into a frenzy yelling “Oooh shit Fred’s calling…hide! Be quite dammit!” like he could actually see and hear us through the phone. Then everything was quiet and everyone would listen as Fred would ask “You home man?……You there?……” and then proceed to leave a 12 minute message about his day as we all sat back and laughed. Aaaahh….the good old days. (Name changed to protect the innocent, as it is believed “Fred” commited suicide years later).
One of you sluts
Is this LuAnn from King of the Hill?
Well, there you have it. Some funny, some weird, and some leave you wanting to know just what the hell the whole story was. From Good ol’ Bobby Dale, to the stalker friend who we all know that just won’t stop calling in “Eric”. I still wish I could remember when or where we got this LP, but I just can’t put it together. Oh well.
“Pick up Pick up Pick up Pick up Pick up Pick up……………guess you aint there.”