You know, I would be lying if I said He-Man wasn’t the shit when I was growing up in the 80’s. l longed to come home from school and turn on our TV (Complete with all 3 channels that came in!), and just wait until I heard “By the power of Greyskull…..I have the POWER!”, and then completely go ape shit! I loved He-Man and the Masters of the Universe when I was a kid, there.. I said it. I had the figures, Castle Greyskull, everything! If it had to do with He-Man, I was all over it. Now She-Ra, on the other hand, that’s a different story all together. Unless you wanted to be subjected to serious beat downs and forced to consume various types of dirt at recess, being a young boy I generally didn’t run around playing with She-Ra dolls, plus by the time she came out I was getting a little too old to even care. I do however, remember the Secret of the Sword movie and being somewhat curious when I found out He-Man had a sister, especially one as hot as She-Ra! Needless to say, when I came across this LP, I quickly snatched it up to listen to their exciting adventure all over again. Well guess what? That’s right folks, this week’s “Hall Of Records” review is that very same LP…..”The Secret of The Sword!”
Upon opening up the LP jacket, you find scenes from the movie plastered all over it. It’s actually kind of cool with the film strip look and all. It’s definatly not what I was expecting, and I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. It brings back alot of memories seeing all these characters I was so used to watching every day after school, like Skeletor, He-Man, the Sorceress, and those freaks from She-Ra. Well, without reminiscing for hours, lets jump right into this thing head first, fankly because it’s late and I have already had waay to much Heineken.
After dropping the needle on this LP, one thing is certain…the opening theme song is horrible! I mean, my god what the hell happened to you He-Man? How could you agree to that opening theme song? I picture him huddled up in some hole in the wall bar with empty bottles of Miller Lite piled up in a corner rocking back and forth muttering, “I told those idiots, there aint no way in hell this shit is going to pass as cool…no way dammit!..For the honor love…what the fuck!…I’m He-man….I’m He-Man dammit!….”. As some dudes walk by mocking him “Hey He-Man where’s She-Ra? Ahh Ha ha ha ha”….He drops his bottle looking all around, “Who said that?…Who the fuck said that!….I *cough* I have the P..Power..you bastards…*urp*”.
Now, I know this is basically She-Ra’s introduction to the world, not He-Man’s, but still, have some dignity man! Maybe it’s just me, but this theme song just screams cheesy. I’m not trying to offend any hardcore fans out there, so before you send me death threats, remember it’s just my opinion. I’ll let you be the judge though, here it is in all of it’s 1985 glory!
Opening Theme:
Ok, whatever you thought of the opening theme, lets get into the story. Its seems the Sorceress is sleeping away in castle Greyskull, but to the listeners horror, she is having a terrible dream! No, not the one where she wakes up after a long night of partying, and rolls over to see Beast man winking at her, no, this dream was very different. She hears a voice laughing as he says “you’ll never see this child again..muwahaa haa haaa!”, and this prompts her to wake up screaming “Adora!”. As she wakes, she sees a mysterious glowing sword, hovering above her bed! The sword look exactly like He-Man’s sword of Power, excpet it has a jewel in the middle. It starts to move, and being the smart feathered lady she is, the Sorceress gets up, and follows the sword as it leads her to a door that springs open to reveal a portal to another world! Now, it seems to me that the Sorceress knows more than she is letting us know, as she picks up the sword after it falls and mumbles “Can it be?…after soo long..”
The Sorceress thinks long and hard on the events that just took place and ends up saying “Screw this shit, I’m calling He-Man”, and sends Prince Adam a mental message. Adam shows up with Cringer, and asks why the hell she pulled him out of his Jazzercise class, as he fixes his purple tights. The Sorceress explains the story to Adam, who rethinks it over sounding not too convinced. “You want me to just walk through this portal, not knowing where it leads to?”. The Sorceress explains that he must go, and find who owns the sword, as they share a destiny the same as He-Man’s, and then bids him farewell..”Enter the gate now Adam, and for god sake, can’t you ever wear normal pants?? I mean, we having flying machines, and loads of technology and magic, but apparently you idiots can’t seem to conjure up some jeans! Now get through that portal ass wipe!”.
Now the purpose of this review and all of our Hall Of Records reviews, are to get the users to listen to the audio, so to find out what happens after Adam steps through the portal just click below, and check out Part 1 of Secret of the Sword!
Meanwhile, in the Fright Zone, Hordak, the leader of the evil Horde, was listening to his advisor, Shadow Weaver. She tells him of a mysterious stranger from another world who brings great trouble for the Horde, in the form of purple nylon. Her magic has lost where he is now, but Hordak seems not to care, as he has a plan that will bring the stranger out in the open, allowing for a quick capture! He calls for force captain Adora to carry out his plan.
Back in the Whispering Woods, Adam and Bo arrive at a rebel camp, and Adam gets introduced to Glimmer, the rebel leader. Its seems Glimmer’s mother was captured by the Horde, and Glimmer is all about paying them back, and needs all the help she can get. As Bo goes on to tell the story of how Adam is so courageous, that he walked into a bar wearing a pink vest and purple tights, and actually lived to walk back out, a witch crash lands in the woods! Oh God Damn, it Madam Razz and her talking flying sidekick Broom (Nice and original name there don’t you think?). Everyone runs to help, and Madam Razz continues to tell them that the Horde has placed the entire nearby village under arrest! Her voice reminds me of Vinny’s wife from the movie “My cousin Vinny”.
Adam and Bo realize it was their fighting that caused the Horde to get all pissed off, and they vow to help, and return to the village…but first they stop off for a few Zima’s and ice cream. They arrive in town to find the Horde enslaving all the villagers and loading them up into slave transport ships! The act and try to stop the Horde, but are outnumbered, so Prince Adam finally realizes he should become he-man, and rushes off to the nearest port-a-potty, and becomes the most powerful man in the universe! They then commence to whip ass, until it was just He-Man, and Adora facing off! As He-man points his sword at Adora, it begins to glow. He-Man becomes amazed, and Adora knocks him out with a lazer lasso something or other. Find out what happens next below!
Seceret of the Sword Part 2: 
He-Man then busts into his rebel friends cell, frees them, then blows the shit out of the prison and pisses on it’s ashes. Meanwhile, Adora is wandering the streets of Etheria, thinking hard about her duties as force captain of the Horde. She wonders who is truly evil, Hordak, or He-Man…hmmm. She then confronts Hordak and Shadow Weaver, and tells them they suck, and are pure evil, and she is through with their evil ways. Not to be outdone by a screaming brat, Shadow Weaver busts out a mind control spell, and Adora leaves as her old self, proving this as she stops to kick a 10 year old boy in the junk, and spit in his eye as she is heading home.
Hordak is starting to get worried about Adora realizing who she is, and interfearing, but soon forgets as his Magna beam is near completion! His plan is to transport the entire whispering woods and rebels to the valley of the lost with his beam.
Adam is now back in Whispering Woods, and is hatching a plot to go back and fight Hordak face to face in the Fright Zone! Glimmer tries to talk him out of it, but Adam blows her off and transforms in He-Man! He then captures a Horde Trooper, and puts on his Horde suit to disguise himself (this plot seems to borrow alot from Star Wars…or is it just me?). He makes a fatal mistake when he places his loin cloth on the outside of the Horde suit, and soon gets discovered!
Shadow Weaver sees through the disguise and advises Hordak about He-Man, who then has Adora capture him, and locks him up in the plundar room! He is going to use He-man’s energy to charge his Magna Beam to full capacity, then carry out his plan to rid himself of the rebels and rule Etheria *Gasp*!! Find out if he pulls it off below!
Seceret of the Sword Part 3:
Holy shit! She’s He-Man’s sister!! Ok, ok, you already know this, but still, what a shocker! She-Ra finds He-Man very weak in the plunder room, as Hordak is almost done draining his energy.Oddly enough as She-Ra talks to He-Man, he sounds like Barry White, but I supose its from his energy being drained. She then tosses him his sword of power, and he hides it just as the Horde guards bust in the room.
Hordak laughs as he sees his Magna Beam fully charged, and He-Man looking very weak. When he leaves, He-Man tells She-Ra to warn the rebellion and he’ll stop Hordak and his Magna Beam. As she jumps on her horse Spirit, he suddenly transforms into a winged unicorn and calls himself Swiftwind! They bust out and fly toward the Rebel base to warn them of the evil Hordak’s plot!
Meanwhile as Hordak is up on the roof getting ready to use his Magna Beam, He-man busts through the floor and surprises him. But Hordak, seems unimpressed, and starts the Magna Beam!! Find out if he sends the rebels to the worst place in the entire universe……the audience during an American Idol taping!!
Secret of the Sword Part 4:
Finally Adora is reunited with her parents when they arrive in the Palace of Eternia. The queen is crying and King Randor blurts out some shit like “Nothing will ever seperate us again”. To which the Queen replies “Oh really, not even the lowly Chamber maid from the Mystic Mountains?” The King stumbles for his words “But…We were on a break…Honey..she had those muscular legs..you know how I’m a sucker for muscular Legs..”. All seems well enough…for now.
Meanwhile over at Snake Mountain, Hordak and Skeletor are teaming up again “just like the old days”, and hatching a scheme to sneak into the Royal Palace, plant stink bombs all over, grease up all the doorknobs, and order a dozen Pizza’s to be delivered to the front gate.
Hordak, with Skeletor’s help, is disguised as a chef, and sneaks into the palace to cause havok! This dude actually busts out of a cake, and blasts everyone with stun rays, and grabs Adora once again, not bad Hordak, not bad!
Prince Adam wakes up a few hours later, slips on his nylons, and transforms into He-Man. He then talks to the Queen, who is beside herself with sadness that her daughter was kidnaped yet again. He-Man promises to get her back….but is he too late? Find out for yourself………
Secret of the Sword Part 5:
Whew! What a story…
Here is the final part to the whole story complete with the ending theme!
Secret of the Sword Part 6:
Well, there you have it! Check back often (even though there have been no updates lately), I will try to update a few times a year..
(You know She-Ra…since we really never knew each other…you know…we could..technically…you know…)